How to Avoid Rape: A Practical Guide for Conservatives on Twitter

So, this came across my Facebook Stream today:

The reason for it-Apparently, while I wasn't paying attention, Michelle Malkin managed to turn a discussion on gun control in Colorado into a "rape prevention" debate, which then downward spiraled into an avalanche of rape jokes on Twitter. The hashtag #LiberalTips2AvoidRape (which Mother Jones has called "The most horrible hashtag of the week") somehow started trending, with predictably classy results:

 

All of this, apparently, was the result of a very stupid comment a democratic State legislator in Colorado (who later apologized), which Malkin then falsely tied to a list of college campus rape prevention tips from 7 years ago on her blog. Seriously, you cannot make this shit up. The fact that the gun lobby has been targeting the women's market by tapping into their greatest fears is nothing new. What is new, at least to me, is the right's attempt to use that marketing to masquerade as anti-rape crusaders. Yes the party of "legitimate rape" is actually trying to pretend they are feminists. Or at least, not misogynists. Because guns. Apparently without much push-back. It's almost funny, except it's not. Because as Leslie Salazar wrote in US News, guns don't protect women against rape:

I must say, as a woman, and a woman who has been in a rape situation, on more than one occasion, it is offensive to try to tie guns with rape for the sake of attempting to win a political argument. It's not just pathetic; it's undignified. And it's a slap in the face to the thousands of women who have been victims. It even sickens me more when it's women attempting to make this argument.

I think it's asinine to try to use any of the tactics reported in the past to ward off a rapist, it's just as asinine to think that if you can conceal and carry a weapon, a woman is protected from any potential rapist. In other words, a gun can provide security, but not in all situations.

As a woman who has been yes, "in a rape situation" on more than one occasion, including when I owned a gun for self defense (which is pretty useless if the rapist is your live-in boyfriend) I could not agree more. What Salazar said was stupid and condescending. This is above and beyond that. This is turning rape survivors into a punchline, and doing so in a way that frames the issue of rape as, once again, something that women (and victims in general) are responsible for. The "tip sheet" has been removed from the UCCS website, but here is a screenshot (h/t to Global Grind):
And you know what? It DOES deserve mocking, but as the kids say GOP, yer doin it wrong. And yer doing it wrong, because you are out of your element. Because TRULY confronting the absurdity of the #UCCS tips, and all of the other "Rape Prevention" tips routinely given to women, means addressing the underlying problem of rape culture itself-something you are clearly not willing to do because it would require looking in the mirror. So GOP, please proceed in making your fart jokes about rape victims, but in the meantime, below the fold I would like to offer my own #LiberalTips2AvoidRape (inspired by this bit of brilliance) below the fold ((TRIGGER WARNING))

  1. Be realistic about your ability to not rape people. If you are prone to uncontrollable urges to rape, seek out help, and avoid situations where you might have an opportunity to rape someone.

 2. If your instinct is to rape, start to scream-"I AM ABOUT TO RAPE THIS PERSON, SOMEONE STOP ME!!!!!!!!" Keep screaming it until someone intervenes, or at least your potential victim has a chance to get away from you.

This should do the trick!

3. Keep your shoes on at all times: Athletic trainers work best. If you feel like you are about to rape, they will enable you to run away as quickly as possible.  

4. Don't take time to look back, just get away. Keep running until you find a place with no rape-able people, and call a mental health professional.

Run! Run! Run like the wind!

5. If you are putting someones life in danger, stop fucking doing that 6. Assume that the person you want to rape has a disease or is menstruating. Better yet, assume that they have the worst flesh eating bacteria in the world inside of them. Assume they are filled with radioactive, toxic bio-hazardous materials. Convince yourself of this, and act accordingly.

Would you stick your penis in this?

7. If your date is defecating, urinating, or vomiting, this is a pretty good indication that they are not enjoying themselves. Stop raping them.  

8. If your date is yelling, hitting or biting you*, this is a also a good indication that they are not enjoying themselves. Stop raping them

This woman does not appear to be having a good time.

Note-This still applies if your date can do none of the above because you have immobilized her, 
bound her, if you have your hand clamped over her mouth or have taped it shut. Assume that if she could, she would be doing all of these things  

9. Understand that some actions on your part, such as rape, may lead to more harm than not raping.

10. Remember, every emergency situation is different, but none of them require you to rape anyone. 

Some more advice...  

11. If your date is not responding to you in any way whatsoever, not only are they not enjoying themselves, this is a good sign they are heavily intoxicated or unconscious. Stop raping them, and call 911. They probably have alcohol poisoning.

This person cannot consent to sex, no matter how much you wish it was so.

12. Don’t put drugs in drinks that do not belong to you. Whether or not you bought them is irrelevant.

Is that your cosmopolitan dude? Hm, didn't think so.

 
13. When you see a woman walking alone at night, cross over to the other side of the street and leave them the hell alone.

Don't even think about it.

14. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, please remember not to rape them!

You are not allowed to rape this person.

16.If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, do not rape them.

Nope, not her either.

17. Remember, people go to the laundromat to do their laundry.Do not attempt to rape someone who is alone in a laundry room.

No, not even her. So sorry :*(

18. Remember that a marriage license is not the same thing as a property deed. You do not own your spouses body, and they are not required to have sex with you.

Look closely, there is no fine print on here that says "it is OK for the undersigned parties to rape each other".

19. Treat your lady like you would treat your car- and don't rape her.  

20. Remember, having a sexual partner is not like owning a pair of jeans-Once you have had "worn" them, that doesn't mean you get to put them on again, any time you feel like it.

Not the same thing.

15. NEVER come in through an unlocked door or window uninvited. Ring the doorbell, push the buzzer, call the phone, throw rocks at the window, serenade. No one likes to be "surprised" in such a manner.

This is not the proper way to greet your date.

21. Use the buddy system! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend or two to stay with you while you are in public, and keep an eye on you.

Need a buddy? These guys would be more than happy to help you.

22.Don't be a tease! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone just to take advantage of them. Consider telling them you are only interested in sex, and plan to rape them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that it as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

Honesty is the best policy.

23. Consider the message your clothing is sending If you are dressed to appear as a nice normal person, you can't blame people for assuming you are one. Consider purchasing a shirt that says "I am a rapist", or getting it tattooed across your forehead.

Lisbeth would be more than happy to provide you with a tattoo

24. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

Once again-this person cannot consent to sex

.

25. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might rape the person you are hanging out with, keep a whistle hanging around your neck, so they can blow it if you do.

See? It even comes in "man colors"!

26. Carry Pepper Spray! Keep it in an easy to access place, like your pocket. If you start to pull down your pants to rape someone, reach into your pocket first and grab the pepper spray, and spray yourself in the face. (Note-Hornet spray, taser guns and, in extreme scenarios, yes even ACTUAL GUNS will also do the trick)

That'll do the trick!

27. Avoid situations that leave you vulnerable- Know what your triggers are. If you want to rape children, avoid playgrounds, coaching, teaching, and raising children. If you want to rape college girls, avoid university campuses, frat parties, and bars in college towns. If you want to rape the elderly, avoid nursing homes. Be aware of your environment at all times.

Walk away. Just walk away.

28. If you are unsure if your date is old enough to consent to sex, ask to see ID. Generally NON-acceptable forms of ID include:

• Elementary, Junior, or High School Identification cards 
• Child Safety Identification cards 
• Learners Permits 
• Boys & Girls club cards
• Build-a-Bear club member cards 
• The response "what is ID? I am eight years old."

Examples of unacceptable forms of ID

29. If you are unsure if your date is actually consenting to sex, try asking them "is it OK for me to have sex with you?" If the response is any of the following, stop raping them immediately:

• "No" 
• "I don't know"
• "I'd prefer not to" 
• "Get the fuck off of me and stop raping me!" 
• "ummmmmm wha?" (or any other form of alcohol slurred muttering) 
• "What is sex? I am eight years old." 
• Silence-due to your date being unconscious, non-verbal, or not old enough to tal
• Anything other than "YES" or a similar, clearly affirmative answer

Sometimes facial expressions and body language can be good indicators.

And finally, the BEST, most fool-proof tip of all......  

30. Don't rape.  

Seriously.

Even if she said yes before 
Even if you really want to 
Even if he or she looks old enough
Even if she's wearing a miniskirt
Even if she's acting like a whore 
Even if she's drunk 
Even if she's alone 
Even if she's your wife 
Even if she's your girlfriend 
Even if she is transgendered 
Even if she is a lesbian 
Even if he is a gay man
Even if he is a straight man
 
EVEN IF SHE IS NOT PACKING A GUN ON HER.  

Don't. 

 Because: